Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Parenting Dilemma

Hey everyone -- I have a tiny (OK not so tiny) dilemma with my tiny one. Lately she's been, well, difficult. To say the least. I love her so much, that goes without saying, but I will say it anyway. I am feeling major mother's guilt, and I need to know how you handle or have handled this in the past with your little strong willed ones.

Let me give an example. Little KG loves to be in control. Normal, right? of a toddler aged girl. She's very strong willed. Well, lately, and I'm talking over the past several weeks, my sweet girl who would love me and kiss me and hug me and say "I love you, Mommeeee", sing with me, smile at me, the whole deal.. nothing. It's all about yelling at me, short blasts of nastiness with a look of defiance in her eyes, her little head bobbing to one side. (And that's just for starters)... It's killing me. I know they all go through phases. She's had them before. I remember phases during teething when she'd not be as happy, and be more whiny, etc. But this? This is all day long of no smiles at me. I truly feel like she doesn't like me. I know this is emotions talking, and I've had a rough few months, both health wise and emotion wise -- but I'm truly afraid that this is the case. She will not, will not hug me. She never wants me. She wants her daddy. She wraps her arms around his neck and squeezes on him. She wants her brother. She "gugs" him all the time. It's just me she doesn't seem to like. I have heard of mothers and daughters who just never get along. Is this a possibility that this could be happening to me and my precious little girl? I fear for the future when she is a tween, then a teen..

OK, that's not all .... I'm definitely dealing with major issues myself. Major. I look around my house and all I see right now is chaos. I could spend all day long doing the daily "maintenance" things and I feel as if I never get ahead. One of the biggest reasons is that Little Miss Tiny leaves chaos in her wake. She literally strews her toys all over the first floor of the house. If I put her down in the family room (huge room, baby proofed, lots of toys, and she can see everything I'm doing in the kitchen, and it's gated off)-- she gets mad and I feel all guilt. Total guilt. B thinks it's totally OK to put her down there to play, he says it's completely OK and that she will get used to it. Then I can start to get my house in order (it is not at the moment and it's killing me).. I feel like once I get completely organized and have a system in place I will be a better wife, mom, person, everything. When I'm unloading the dishwasher she is right there like a little tornado, rummaging through the clean (or dirty) dishes, taking them right out. It's not enough to wait to save it all for nap time. Nothing ever gets done this way. I need some help and some advice....

Please give me your thoughts. Help me to alleviate my guilt about putting her in "the cage" as I think of it.. or please, give me some other ideas at least. I'm getting worn out and I don't know what to do anymore.

Signed,
One Worn Out Mommy

5 comments:

Julie said...

(((Cathy)))

I'm with B...I say put her in the cage ;) though lol, it doesn't sound like a cage to me! Please take a deep breath and remind yourself that seriously, it's not a cage -- it's a big room full of fun stuff in a safe, loving home. And while it might be difficult while you're working on it, her learning to entertain herself is so important, not only to your sanity, but to her own development.

I always maintain that toddlerhood is just one phase after another (and another, and another...) I hope her cold-shoulder phase is short lived. :(

Carrie said...

*HUGS*

My bigger little man does this to me too sometimes. I hate stages like this. It makes one feel like a big fat piece of rejected poop.

I still love you though. Too bad I'm not cute with great kissable cheeks and beautiful eye lashes. Then I'd be as good as KG herself. Oh well, I am huggable.

HUGS

Lisa said...

{{{HUGS}}}. Cath, Julie said everything I was thinking. First, you ARE a great mom. And you've been through a lot the past few months. And she's a toddler.

1. she does indeed love you! Just because she's going through a *thing* now DOES NOT mean you two won't be close. (I have first hand experience here! I love Miss E, we get on each others' nerves but we are "likethis", too).

2. it's my understanding that part of normal childhood developement is the switching back and forth between parents with one of them being the *favored* one---it's perfectly normal and means she's doing what she should be doing ( and yes, that sounds good in print but it's different when it's actually applied to you, I know).

3. it is NOT a cage! Julie said it so well..."it's a big room full of fun stuff in a safe, loving home." I know for me, if my house is chaos, I cannot function and that is for real...I honestly can't even think. So, if you need to put her in a safe place for a while to get things in order, go you! Now, it's different if you're leaving her there for hours upon hours by herself (and like you said, she can even see you!).

I think she's most likely at a stage where she's trying to figure out how much authority she has, how much she can make you do, how far can she push you, kwim? PLEASE LET GO OF THE GUILT---you so do not deserve it.

Julie also said something else I am ITA with (I don't know this Julie but I like her!) There is nothing wrong with Katie entertaining herself.

I'm so sad that you're hurting.

Mert said...

I've had phases like this with both of my girls (^ and 2)... they have these spurts of misbehaving. For my oldest, i started keeping a journal of her behavior just buy marking the extremely bad days on the calendar. I noticed that she seemed to be having a monthly cycle just like me, minus the periods. that has helped me a lot , just knowing that she will have this span of days each month... It kind of made sense almost. ;)

Both of the girls have periods of time where they just want daddy, then they go back to wanting mommy for awhile. My hubs and I try not to take it personally.

As far as getting house work done, you just have to come to terms with knowing that some days your house will be spotless, but most likely there will be a mess somewhere. that's life with kids. I used to be very particular before kids, but that went out the window. I have to put my daughter in the living room which I think is completely kid proofed... I try to let her come in the kitchen with me once the dishwasher is closed. I have pretty much accepted the fact that the tupperware section will always be a mess because my youngest is always in there messing around. As long as she is happy and safe while I'm cleaning, the mess can always be thrown back in the cabinets out of view.

I hope you get some good advice, and I hope you feel better soon!

Karianne said...

Oh, Babe. Well, my first response is to say, "Welcome to being the Mama of a girl" I have heard this sort of thing from my pals that have both boys and girls and hands down, those little females are MOODY! I don't want to be stereotypical at all, just stating how it is around here.

Ok, here is my secret to a messy but livable house. When I get too stressed, I have a few ways of dealing with it. First off, I'll clean on the commercials of a tv show so I don't feel like I"m really cleaning. OR, I'll set a timer for 5 minutes. Whatever I get done in that time is enough. then I take a break, (Blog read). If I can't face doing either of those, I walk into a room and decide on one area, say, the kitchen table. I then will pick up and put away 10 things. Sometimes, it's 5. Just to start. with all of these techniques I find myself cleaning a lot longer and feeling better about myself. But sometimes, that's all I do. I reward myself, then start over again. It just gets too overwhelming.

To leave you with one thought, a full sink of dishes gets done by starting with one dish. Patience with yourself, Sweet Grasshopper. We love ya!