Sunday, March 09, 2008

5 years!

5 years ago this weekend I said hello and goodbye to Keelan Lark Prell, our miracle baby...the shortened story goes like this:

I was at my birthday party, having just turned 33, and all my girlfriends were over helping me celebrate with drinks and appetizers. I was 10 weeks pregnant with my 2nd, although I didn't know that I was still pregnant. You see, a few weeks earlier, I had found out I was pregnant, by some miracle, without any drugs or doctors help. Sadly, we quickly found out the baby wasn't implanted inside the womb, so the doctor had to give me a shot of Methotrexate, which would in essence attack any rapidly growing cells, i.e. my baby. :( and basically terminate the pregnancy. Knowing there was no other option, because medical science has no way of transporting this little tiny baby from the fallopian tube to the uterus at this point in medical history, we tearfully agreed to the shot. Brian held me as the nurse gave me the shot that would end the life that had against all odds begun and made us wonder and shake our heads at the whys and the hows of the ways of life.

Fast forward to my birthday party, 5 weeks later. We are all sipping wine, having a wonderful time, I'm actually relaxing and enjoying my friends and my birthday despite the heartbreak of "losing" my little one a few weeks earlier. All is well. I'm convincing myself it's ok to enjoy life a little bit, friends make things a bit better.

The next thing I know, I don't feel well. I mean, I really don't feel well. I look at my sister, who quickly takes my glass of wine and says.. Okkayy, maybe that's not a good idea. Then she says.."Cath, maybe just go upstairs and change into something a bit more comfy.. a pair of sweats or leggings or's just us girls"... So I stand up to do that...and promptly pass out... The next thing I remember is sitting on the bottom of my stairs while all the girls are huddled around me .. someone is cleaning up.. someone has called my husband.. someone has called the ambulance... I can't stand up without passing out.. internal bleeding...

Long story short... The shot they gave me 5 weeks earlier didn't work. They checked my HCG levels every other day for 2 weeks after the shots and I even bled a normal-(ish) cycle after the shot.. but, all it did was bleed out my lining and all my levels went down. My little Keelan was still in there, growing at a normal rate .... talk about a strong baby!!! That was one strong boy for you!!! Little honey! They rushed me to the hospital and by then I was passing out on the table, couldn't keep conscious for anything by then, the bleeding had gotten so bad. Emergency surgery. My OB/GYNs were stunned to say the least, but for whatever reason, Keelan stayed with us longer then we all planned. He just wasn't ready to go to Heaven just yet, and he almost took me with him.

Why talk about him here? Because each year on my birthday I remember him. I will of course, never forget my baby. Each year I'm the only one who remembers, even my girlfriends who were here with me that night 5 years ago have forgotten. But I will never, ever forget. Even though his name isn't written anywhere here on earth, an official "Keelan was here, he existed, he was, and is, in Heaven"... His name is indelibly printed on my heart. And I, his Momma, will never, ever, EVER forget my baby. I will hold him someday in Heaven. And my heart still aches when I think about in my minds eye about a little 4 year old boy who should be running around with Jonathan and Katie now. But I am at peace. And I know he is with Jesus. And I am ok with that for now. Until we meet, my little one...Mommy loves you. Hugs and Kisses, xoxoxox

Keelan Lark means ~ Little slender bird that sang a beautiful song and then flew away


Anonymous said...

Finally, I am able to comment ! Love,Grsmma Warner

Karianne said...

Cath, this is beautiful. What a miracle baby. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Carrie said...

*hugs* Those days are etched forever in our hearts.

Anonymous said...

Sarah. Aaaaawww what a joyful day it will be in Heaven! xx xx

Traci said...

I think of you both often ... Love, Traci